A stiff breeze can derail my motivation. This week that started off with a strange wave of progress was upended by a simple power outage event. Pesky storms knocked over a neighbor’s tree that decided a power line would be a good place to rest, and bam, there went day three of some damn fine progress.
I think my brain recognized this pattern of feeling good, progress then a sudden and abrupt end when I miss one thing on the list of things to do, or as the original deadline passed me by, and decided to remind me that it has been a reoccurring thing my whole life…because it made me dream about it.
Take school for instance. I’d be going along great, be motivated, then miss one thing. One assignment, one class due to illness and it was like I could never get it back. There was some mental block that kept me from going forward, like some odd wave of embarrassment that said “well, you’re behind now, screw doing the logical thing and going back, catching up and continuing.” And it wouldn’t have to be something big, but it would suck every atom of motivation away like a black hole, and there I’d be. Stuck in a rut (really a grave, depending on the situation) with no where to go. I don’t know why I never asked for help, or simply explained this to someone to see what we could do…other than that choking embarrassment I had developed for whatever reason.
So, yes…my dreams for the last two nights have been stark reminders (as I’ve been thrown back into high school and college both evenings) that this is not something new…and perhaps remind me that I can change this pattern, no matter how difficult it may be.
So, I was going to skip this blog post, because it’s Friday and I am supposed to be posting on Thursday, but then thought that was absolutely ridiculous. The day doesn’t matter in the end, just the fact that I make an effort is good enough.
Growing up is hard, man.